Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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