Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
