Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
