imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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