I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
