he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Less talking, more tequila
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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