it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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