Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
