it was like his penis was on wheels.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
