Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
