I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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