So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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