I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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