im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
