Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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