I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
