so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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