He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
