chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's like heaven, but drunker
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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