I faked an abortion last night.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
