Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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