I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
