Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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