You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
