one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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