Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
