Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I party with great urgency now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
