meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
even my farts smell like vagina
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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