Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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