I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You have to summon your inner elephant
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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