So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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