At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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