my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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