she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
