If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
