i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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