Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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