She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I could make wine with my vomit
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize