I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
sarcasm needs its own font
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
