You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
