I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I would ride that face into the sunset
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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