my phone needs a breathalizer
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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