Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
