Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
