if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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