youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
