I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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