Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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