I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
third nipple confirmed
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
