Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
