I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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