i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
