Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize