Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
