that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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