You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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