There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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