Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
