I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You ruined the universe
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
