Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
