I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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