I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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