If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
